Getting Involved with People Different from Me

A few weeks ago, my oldest brother (57) got married for the first time. It was an exciting family event! He is quite a bit older than I am, so I don't feel like I know him very well. Most of the news about him comes through my mother. Much to our surprise, my brother called us to tell us of the impending nuptials and to invite us to the wedding.

So, I met my new sister-in-law, Debbie, for the first time the day before their wedding. I did not know until I saw her that she is a Native American. Actually, I didn't make that discovery until a little while later. I'm not very visually observant. She is a delightful, out-going, easy-to-talk-to person. I enjoyed visiting with her and learning a little bit about the romance between her and my brother. It turns out they had known each for longer than my husband and I have been married (22 years for us!). But, due to unknown circumstances, they had parted ways. My mother later told me that my father had not approved of their relationship while they were young because Debbie is Catholic and Native American. My father passed away 8 years ago, so I cannot discuss this issue with him, though I wish I could. Their romance rekindled in the last year, and now we have welcomed her into our family.

Another sister-in-law has been in our family for 18 years. Shelly is from China. So, we had an earlier experience of welcoming someone different from us into our family. Somehow the words I am writing do not seem to convey the import of these events. My father is 100% Scotsman, and my mother 100% English. It was a stretch for them for me to marry someone of germanic heritage (we later discovered that my husband is Swiss, not German), so it might be easy to imagine how difficult it was for my parents to accept someone very different from us.

I could probably go on for a long time about these events. But, I characterize our family as being a strange mix of openness and uncertainty. We seem to have a natural curiosity about those who are different from us. At the same time, we hold people at arms length and study them from afar with a critical eye. It seems that we sometimes find characteristics and attribute them to some stereotype -- or perhaps archetype is a better word choice. My Chinese sister-in-law is "very smart", as you know Asians are. My Native American sister-in-law is "artsy" and "creative" with her hands, as you know "Indians" are. I am just happy that my family finds positive things in these dear women! Still, a few family members are not particularly warm toward them. They have stated that my brothers could have "done better" in their choice. That makes me feel defensive and protective of my sisters-in-law.

Personally, I love all my sister-in-laws (two I haven't even mentioned!) and find them to be wonderful, warm and loving human beings. I have enjoyed getting to know them and their perspectives on family, work, living, and faith. It has been fun to learn to know their families and to expand my views. I am happy to have a multi-cultural family and am very proud of my brothers for choosing women of integrity and character.